Sarah Lenihan

HR Memo: Babies, Parachutes, and Other Mid-Air Scenarios

To: All Staff
From: HR (the department nobody listens to until it’s too late)
Date: Tuesday, Probably
Subject: Skydiving Infants and Mid-Air Contract Negotiations

Dear All,

We’d like to clarify a situation that, surprisingly, has become increasingly problematic. Specifically, we are referring to the recent incident involving:

  • A baby
  • A skydive
  • An apparent mid-air philosophical awakening
  • And a spontaneous renegotiation of parachute deployment terms

Let us state, unequivocally:
Babies are not approved for recreational or professional skydiving under any circumstances.

Not even if they’ve demonstrated strong leadership potential in daycare.
Not even if they’ve watched Mission: Impossible and “seem chill about heights.”
Not even if the baby has “big negotiation energy” and a deeply reflective internal monologue.

❌ A Few Additional Clarifications

Since questions have been raised (again, we’re baffled too), HR wishes to clarify the following points:

  • You may not claim “team bonding” if your team is literally falling through the sky while holding a toddler.
    We support team-building activities like trust falls. We do not support trust-falls from 12,000 feet involving minors.
  • If a baby begins speaking in full sentences mid-dive and starts quoting Nietzsche or issuing ultimatums about parachute clauses, we recommend:
    a) Immediate medical attention
    b) A priest
    c) A sabbatical
    d) Not bringing that baby to the Christmas party
  • There is currently no leave policy that covers “Possession During Recreational Skydiving.”
    We’re working on it. It’s in draft. Legal is… confused.

🪂 What To Do If You Encounter a Skydiving Baby

This shouldn’t need to be said, but:

  1. Do not engage the baby in legal debate mid-air.
  2. Do not attempt to “mentor” the baby through career development in freefall.
  3. Do not assume the baby is a metaphor. It may be real.
  4. Do not post it to LinkedIn with #LeadershipGoals unless you are ready for a call from your lawyer and your grandmother.

Final Word from HR

At this stage, we would like to reassure staff that HR is fully committed to maintaining a workplace that is safe, supportive, and 100% baby-free at terminal velocity.

We understand the demands of modern working life. Balancing family, fitness, and existential dread is hard. But if you find yourself at the intersection of childcare and extreme sports — please take a moment. Breathe. Maybe a nap would be more appropriate.

For any further questions about this policy (or to report a suspiciously articulate toddler), please contact HR. We’ll be in the break room, pretending this never happened.

Sincerely,
Your HR Team
Doing our best, against all odds

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